This Saturday, I'm moving back to Arkansas. I had plans for my last week here. I was going to scope out my favorite Chicago spots. I was going to walk dogs and earn some extra cash (I work for Wag! Chicago). I was going to reach out to some of my friends from work and say goodbye. Instead, I've packed up my apartment, rewatched Stranger Things, and sprawled out on my couch, contemplating my future.
I think I've slowly been changing my definition of "goodbye". For most of my life, I've felt a need to reach closure, to make situations and relationships come full circle. See this friend "one last time," visit that place "one last time." With every move comes a sense of finality. (Side note: That's a word, right? Finality? Spellcheck isn't correcting me. However, it is correcting "rewatched" to "rewashed". Does anyone else feel like Spellcheck thinks you're a dumbass? I don't know, if such a thing as Spellcheck even exists in the first place, maybe...)
Anyway, I don't feel the need this time around. In the past, I thought that closing things out was the only way to prove to myself that they meant something to me in the first place. I had to visit that park once more, I had to hug that friend for the last time. If I didn't, then the move would be incomplete, and I wouldn't be able to go on to the next step. Do you do this, assign yourself with tasks that are mere symbols of what you're actually seeking? And what is it you're seeking? Peace? Affirmation?
The truth is, I'm scared, and I'm worried. Going back to Arkansas excites me, and is the best decision for me to make. But it's what awaits me back home that scares me: recovery. One wouldn't think recovery to be that frightening. After all, it's good, yeah? Of course it's good. But, just like moving, it's change. And change is scary. From the outside, this week would seem uneventful to some. I mean, I've barely left my place. But I think it was necessary, and more eventful than it may look.
Going to Millennium Park tomorrow won't change anything. Neither will seeing every single one of my Chicago friends. Millennium Park will still be there, and my friends will be too. I'll cherish the memories up here, and I'll always love my friends and be grateful for knowing them. We never know what the future holds. As cliché as it sounds, this isn't The End. I'll find myself back in Chicago, whether for one day or for one week or for ten years. And I'll eagerly look forward to the embraces of my amazing friends, and sipping coffee at Millennium Park, watching people play in the fountain, feeling the wind on my skin. Only next time, I'll be well.
❤
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