Yo. It's been a while. *Cue that one song* I was away but now I'm back. Ta Da! There you have it. So, I wrote a post early in my blog regarding the things we hear. "We" being those who suffer from an eating disorder. (Side note: If this fact about me is news to you and you'd like to learn more, check out my other posts!) The post discusses comments people make to us about our illnesses, our bodies, the stigma, and general misconceptions. Having been through a hellish few months of recovery, I'm hearing new things. And yeah, though the comments are different now, my feelings toward them remain the same.
1) "I'm so proud of you."
I want to start off with a positive one. I've received so much love and support from all of you, and couldn't be more grateful. Like I've said in the past though, seeing who all is in my life, this doesn't come as a surprise. My friends, family, and coworkers are all incredible, unique people. I'll never be able to thank everyone enough, from the bottom of my heart. <3
2) "You look so ______!"
Use your imagination here. Despite anorexia being about so much more than looks and body types, outer appearance is the first thing people tend to notice, both in sickness and in recovery. People fill in the blank with all kinds of things, almost always intended with kindness and encouragement. Let me tell you the one that gets to me though. "Healthy." "You look so healthy!" It's complicated to explain why this one drives me nuts. It's the acknowledgment of how I appeared before, versus how I do now. One of the symptoms of my illness is a form of Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Even at my smallest and sickest, I didn't view myself as unhealthy (despite what I was told by doctors and family). And if I'm being completely honest, that particular area of myself is still a blind spot, one I fear may never change, but regardless, will live with. Anyway, whenever people say this to me, I just smile and thank them, remembering that it's coming from their hearts.
3) "Now that you're better, let's...!"
Okay now this one varies depending on the situation. Here's the thing: Yes, in some ways I am better now than I was several months ago. But "better" does not equal "recovered". Recovery isn't a linear event that starts at one point and goes straight through until completion. It's not Boom! Done! I wish so badly it was. No, it's a big scribble. Or an ebbing and flowing tide. Or the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror. Or a plane flying through turbulence. You get the picture. And as I said, this one depends on the situation. There are certainly things I'm able to do now that I couldn't have done previously. I have to remind myself of this, too, to keep going, and adding to the list the things I'll be able to do. <3
4)"Blah blah DIET blah blah I'M FAT blah blah EXERCISE blah blah CALORIES."
While trying to remain gracious, I'm going to be blunt here. If you are aware of my situation and are constantly talking to me about diets, calories, exercising... I'm not listening. I can't listen. It hurts me to listen. Because guess fucking what? Every time I hear that, it makes me want to return to my illness. I miss it. It's just the culture we live in, I guess, the diet culture. I understand that I took it drastically too far for years of my life, and thankfully not everyone will end up how I did. Some people are genuinely trying to take care of themselves and feel better. They have my support, absolutely. However, if they're just running their mouth and indulging in this culture, I'm not listening. And another thing, don't fucking point out the nutrition label of something I want to eat, especially in a negative way. I've spent the past several months trying to break my obsession with nutritional info. When someone makes a comment, I don't even want to eat the damn thing, but to use it as a weapon and make it the last thing they see before everything goes black. And granted, there's only so much damage a box of jellybeans could do, but don't underestimate my creativity, okay?
(Side note: Right now the sky is a weird shade of yellow. Got to love tornado season in the south, am I right?)
5) "Wait, what?"
There's bound to be at least one.
6) "What next?"
Well, that's a tough one. I guess none of us really know what comes next. As for me, I'll be continuing at my former job soon, spending time with my lovely friends, volunteering at the Nature Center, and then several other options that have been catching my eye. Don't know the future. More than anything, I'm trying to continue in my recovery, and never return to that dark place that held me captive for so long. Hopefully, what comes next is freedom.
I love you all, and thank you.
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