It's not enough to want it. I want it. I fall asleep wanting it. I wake up wanting it. And in between, I dream of it. I've even found myself wishing for something else (anything else) to plague me if it means I don't have to fight this fight. I understand, the grass is always greener. I don't actually want another illness, nor do I take any other health problems lightly. What I mean is, I feel that if I had a different issue, one more visible and physical in nature, there would be more understanding. This wouldn't be seen as something purely self-inflicted. There would be validation.
No it's not enough to want it. I have to be accepting of discomfort. I have to be willing to give up the lifestyle that has tricked me into a false sense of control, the straight jacket disguised as a security blanket. I have to surrender.
And I don't know if I can do it.
So what will it take? I'm sick of scare tactics. I know the horror stories. Hell, I've lived some of them. I've guilted myself enough, no need for any more of that. People encourage me by trying to open my eyes to reality, but my "reality" doesn't match theirs. Will it take a wake up call? Rock bottom? A lobotomy? I shudder to think about that.
Maybe I'm searching externally for the motivation and reason that can only be found within myself. I feel selfish writing that (Sidenote: I'm hardcore judging myself throughout this whole post). I also realized long ago that I've been waiting for the snap, the ah-ha moment that would spark my recovery and instantly change my mindset, the moment that will never come. Doesn't work like that, does it? It requires a steady rewiring of the mind. Or maybe I should say, a stripping away of the brainwashing I've done to myself for years. Allowing myself to be a human. A reset.
Maybe it's not just accepting discomfort, but trying to find the comfort in the situation instead. (Side note: That makes sense in my head, but that's not saying much. Ha!) Slowly coaxing myself to a healthier mindset. Not searching for the ah-ha moment, but noticing the small moments that are perhaps more significant than I realize at the time.
Maybe it's being realistic, knowing that I may never be fully "recovered." Like I said earlier, it's not black and white. There won't be a zap from unwell to healthy. Bing Bang Boom: Better! I wish. I'll always be in recovery. That's not pessimism. That is flexibility. That is acceptance.
And if I can be flexible and accepting, than I can keep trying. Maybe I've been surrendering this whole time, surrendering to the enemy. Maybe it's time I get up off the ground and truly stand for myself. Not a surrender, but an empowerment. This post (and this life) is full of maybes. Maybe baby. Maybe this will take a lifetime. But maybe it's worth the try.
Maybe I'm searching externally for the motivation and reason that can only be found within myself. I feel selfish writing that (Sidenote: I'm hardcore judging myself throughout this whole post). I also realized long ago that I've been waiting for the snap, the ah-ha moment that would spark my recovery and instantly change my mindset, the moment that will never come. Doesn't work like that, does it? It requires a steady rewiring of the mind. Or maybe I should say, a stripping away of the brainwashing I've done to myself for years. Allowing myself to be a human. A reset.
Maybe it's not just accepting discomfort, but trying to find the comfort in the situation instead. (Side note: That makes sense in my head, but that's not saying much. Ha!) Slowly coaxing myself to a healthier mindset. Not searching for the ah-ha moment, but noticing the small moments that are perhaps more significant than I realize at the time.
Maybe it's being realistic, knowing that I may never be fully "recovered." Like I said earlier, it's not black and white. There won't be a zap from unwell to healthy. Bing Bang Boom: Better! I wish. I'll always be in recovery. That's not pessimism. That is flexibility. That is acceptance.
And if I can be flexible and accepting, than I can keep trying. Maybe I've been surrendering this whole time, surrendering to the enemy. Maybe it's time I get up off the ground and truly stand for myself. Not a surrender, but an empowerment. This post (and this life) is full of maybes. Maybe baby. Maybe this will take a lifetime. But maybe it's worth the try.
Just gonna day once again, as a person struggling with recovery of my own kind, you always put words to the crazy jumble of thoughts going on in my head with these posts. It’s always a breath of fresh air reading them. Thanks again.
ReplyDeleteRetraining the brain. Throughout our life, everything we do in repetition becomes muscle memory. In my recovery process, it's about retraining my brain and through that, changing my muscle memory. I use the 12 steps in my recovery and in step 7, it's about praying for my defects of character to be removed. I was thoroughly disappointed when they didn't magically disappear with some kind of universal sign. That clap of thunder, angels singing. What I learned is it's a "work in progress" and that's just it. I have to work on it. For me, it's waking up with surrender in my heart and remembering to be easy on myself when I don't do so well in changing myself much that day. That seems like it's going to be huge. I'm sorry about such a long comment. I didn't want you to feel alone in your struggle of the day. To me, surrender doesn't mean giving up, it means, I've surrendered my will and my life to the love of a higher power I have developed a relationship with... But, it's really, letting go of my idea of control on how I think the day should go. Idk if that made sense but I can explain in person or on the phone :) love you
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