I'm going to begin this post by saying that I'm still overwhelmed by the love and support I've received from all of you. Notice I say overwhelmed, not surprised. Looking at the people in my life, my friends and family and coworkers, it's not surprising at all. Each one of you has a heart of empathy, of honesty, of generosity. God, I could go on. My hands shake while I write this, at the very thought. With all the holidays going on, the words "thankfulness" and "gratitude" have made their annual appearances. Let me say, these words have been in my mind and heart for months, and will stay there for the rest of my life, I promise you that.
Okay, that's enough "I"s. (Side note: There's no "I" in Blog post about fear, grief, and life changes. Well, you get the point. Alright then, here's a joke: What do you call a fish without eyes? Keep reading to find out.)
When we think of grief, we often link it to death and loss. Webster defines grief as "deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement." Despite the term mostly being used in regards to losing a loved one, it seems grief is applicable to numerous aspects of life.
Change. Remember the last time you moved? The last time you switched jobs? When you became a parent? When you watched summer become fall become winter become spring? None of these are pegged as negative necessarily, but there seems to be a sadness that accompanies these things. Even if these are for the best, or joyful occasions, or matters that are out of our control, isn't there often a period of grief we experience? Like seeing something that reminds you of a friend that now lives hundreds of miles away. Or observing the days growing shorter and shorter. Or postpartum depression. When we experience a change, we say goodbye to how life once was. When things change, we grieve.
While it's important to not let our lives be taken over by despair, it's vital to let ourselves feel how we feel. No apologies, no criticism or ingenuity. Just let ourselves be.
I'm on the cusp of grief. I can sense it, and I'm trying to accept this. It's one of the main reasons my current health issue has still been at the forefront of my life. There still have remained a couple of options for me, but I had pretty much rejected them, claiming they weren't necessary. But let's be honest, I don't want to deal with the impending fear, and with that, the grief that accompanies it. Saying goodbye and grieving my life as I've known it for so long. Grieving the loss of control I've tricked myself into thinking I've possessed this whole time. Grieving the loss of this person that I've identified as Me, despite the knowledge reminding me otherwise.
There will be stages. They won't be linear, nor will they be predictable. We can't schedule them for our convenience. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Not in that order always, and not only one at a time etc. I don't want to experience grief, but I also don't want my life to remain like this. With Goodbye, there can also be a Hello, or in my case, hopefully a Nice to see you again. While grieving, it is also possible to celebrate, to rest, to feel, and to smile.
Thank you.
(Side note: This is inspired by a beautiful article in the latest issue of Do South Magazine.)
(Other Side note: The answer to the joke is "fsh". Huh, guess it's better spoken than written. Learned this one while working at the Shedd. Still grieve after moving away from there sometimes, but also find so many joyful, fun memories from that place.)
