Let me rephrase...

I'm not sick. I'm unfulfilled. What a state of mind I've been stuck in. "I can't, I'm sick. I can't I can't." No. I can. Yes. I can. That's been the issue. I can, but I haven't. I've focused on a label or a symptom to try to identify what it is I really need. I've been assuming there's something wrong with me, and that problem is my only source of identity. I've been scared to budge, and this fear has staked me into the ground and given me ample excuses as to why I am where I am. Why I am the way I am.

I'm not sick. I'm searching. I already have answers, but I still need more. That said, I'll never have them all, and that's alright.

I'm not sick. I'm scared. Nothing wrong with being scared. It's dangerous though, when that fear shackles you, imprisons you. Fear is a deep root cause of so many other problems in the world. A dark tree of peril all stemming from that same damn seed.

I'm not sick. I know exactly what I want to do with my life, a variety of things. Not one straight path. I know what I want, and I finally think I'm beginning to see potential, answers.

I'm beginning to see hope.

The search for peace

I can see it. 

It's not a crystal clear image, an exact situation. Relying on that could lead to a dangerous let down if all doesn't go according to plan (plans are fickle things, really). 

It's color I see, a plethora of blues and greens and brilliant yellows. 

It's the textures I imagine myself touching, soft fuzz and coarse warmth. Pails of cool water sloshing on my hands. 

I don't specifically see anyone in front of me, but I hear the breaths among us, the sense of community. There is no feeling of urgency, but one of purpose. I'm needed, and I'm wanted. And it's an honor. I don't imagine many voices, at least not in dialogue. There is communication though. 

There is love, and labor, and hope. There is freedom. Assurance. Deep sighs and belly laughs. Accomplishment and making a difference. It all varies. 

I can see it. I can feel it. And one day, I'll reach it.