"What if I crumble?"

I gasped at the end, those words ringing in my ears.
    It was 2015, about two weeks before I moved off to Austin to pursue a career I thought was my dream. With this move, I would be distancing myself from those closest to me, and from a place that was (for better or for worse) my home. Instead of acknowledging how this made me feel, I ignored it and tried my best to focus on my goals, my "future."
    I was driving home from the house of the guy I had been dating at the time. It had been a fine day. I worked at the library, had lunch with a friend, helped my mom clean her house.   Everything had been great and I found myself wanting to drive off a bridge. Wait, what?
    I broke down. My brain seemed to malfunction. All of those feelings I had suppressed about my upcoming move just burst out. It actually hurt me physically. For some reason, I reached for my phone and started recording myself talking (Side note: I had never used the voice recording app. I annoy myself in my mind enough, why would I want documentation to reinforce this?) (Another side note: Wait, I guess this blog is a form of documentation. Whatever, you get it.) I had no intention of listening to it, or sending it to anyone, obviously. I guess I just wanted to feel like I was talking to someone, without actually talking to anyone, and without getting any response. I spoke of my fears of failure, of loneliness, of not having control. I worried about my future, and if I even had one that was worth living.  I pulled up to my apartment after driving around aimlessly for an hour, talking and crying and panting. Before turning off my car and going inside, I asked myself one final question: "What if I crumble?"
    Fast forward to today, to me sitting on the floor, clearing space on my phone so I can send my sister a picture of my new fish aquarium. I found that recording. To be honest, I remembered making it, but the content was foggy. I never listened to it, and completely forgot it was there. This six minute recording had sat dormant for years. I wasn't sure what it was at first, so I pressed play. My heart jumped at the surprise of hearing my own voice, sounding so distressed and sad. I kept wanting to turn it off, but couldn't bring myself to push the button. I had to know the ending, despite having been the one that created it. And there it was, the final question. "What if I crumble?"
    I gasped at the end, those words ringing in my ears. I sat there, haunted by the sudden silence of the recording snapping off. I wanted to cry, but couldn't. I haven't really cried in a long time, my body lacks the emotional energy. Which leads me to the question, "Is this crumbling?" What I've done to my body, to my mind and spirit. Or rather, what I've been trying to fight. Is this what crumbling is? In the recording, I didn't specify what it meant to crumble, but we seem to get the idea. Have I fulfilled what I feared?
    Maybe I have, unintentionally. Or maybe this is just a trial I'm meant to experience. (Side note: heavy fucking trial that it is. No pun intended. Okay, pun kind of intended.)  Honestly, it doesn't make much difference now. Crumbling or not, I'm not in ruins yet. I strive everyday to rebuild what has been chipped off, or blown off. No matter what, anything that crumbles can be rebuilt. Now, I think that recording has taken up space long enough.
Love and peace to you all.

An entire post of sidenotes

Various thoughts I've had this week:

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around, why does it matter if it makes a sound? I'm more curious as to why a big tree suddenly collapses out of nowhere. Was it diseased? Or was it just tired of being a tree and wanted to try being a log with leaves?

*As butterfly flutters past* I wonder if it knows where it's going and why. Is it going to a predetermined location, like a meeting? If so, is it meeting another butterfly? Is it a work meeting or social meeting? Or is it going to a chrysalis for some Welcome to Being a Butterfly coming-out party? Is it running late? Do butterflies run late? If so, what was it doing to lose track of time in the first place? Or maybe it was flying the wrong way for 2 hours and had to turn around.

I've always claimed to love all animals, but I realized that this isn't exactly true. There is one specific type that freaks me out: animals that possess the power of camouflage. *cue the booing and hissing and "but Leah nature is amazing but Leah it's for protection but Leah chameleons are so cute..." etc.* Yeah yeah I know. Chameleons are cute. You know what else they are? Capable. Think about it. Wherever you are, right this second, you could be surrounded by an entire legion of chameleons and you'd have no idea. This automatically gives them an advantage to... I don't know... nor do I want to know. I felt the same when I worked at the aquarium and we had animals that would be right smack in the middle of their habitat and I'd have no idea until a rock winked at me (yeah, I'm talking to you, Cuttlefish). If it'd been a snake, it would've bitten me. Which also almost happened a few years ago while I was out hiking. Okay, I've made my point here. I just don't like anything or anyone having the upper hand on me. Even if they're harmless, their invisibility gives them power, and gives them options.

You know two things that sound similar but are very different? Chai tea and tai chi. How do these not get mixed up all the time? "Yes, I'll have a tai chi latte with almond milk, please." What would a tai chi latte taste like? Tranquility and inner peace with a hint of sweetness?  Maybe they're not so different. I mean, they both originate from parts of Asia. Asian food is delicious. Even the bad stuff that's been sitting out at the buffet all day. Still delicious.

Why is everyone obsessed with things that are "so bad" for you? "Diet soda destroys your teeth and bones. It's so bad for you." "Regular soda is loaded with sugar. It's so bad for you." "Why do human even drink dairy milk? No other animals even do that. Adults aren't supposed to drink milk. It's so bad for you. You should drink soy milk." "Soy milk is so bad for you. It messes with your hormones and causes cancer. You should drink paper milk. It's made of 100% recycled paper." "Drinking that much coffee per day is so bad for you." "High heels are so bad for you." "Oxygen is so bad for you." Gah you know what else is so bad for you? Your negative mindset. How about letting people enjoy their fizzy drinks or milk of choice or their shoes that go clickity clack whenever they walk or their breathing? Unless your name is Captain America or Michelle Obama, step down.

Are cats just mega-hybrids of other things? I'm not referring to felines as a whole, but just plain house cats. I think they're more than just miniature lions. They have snake eyes, and they hiss. They buzz like they're filled with bees. They'll stare at nothing and follow said nothing with their eyes, then freak out and try to kill it. So they're also ghostbusters. But then, isn't there something Machiavellian about them? If you have a cat, where are they right now? Can you see them? There's a good chance they've already considered killing you today, but then thought better of it. For now.

Why are there about 5 reality shows on TLC about people with dwarfism? We're definitely not short on those. (I will not apologize for this.)

Why do we act like babies are such miracles? They're really not. A miracle is something rare that can't be explained by science or reason. Babies happen every minute of every day, and have a pretty solid explanation. "Leah how can you say that? You don't even have a baby. My baby literally saved my life and gives me purpose and knows how to make 3 out of 5 vowel sounds and LOOK AT THIS PICTURE OF MY BABY. Honesty moment: I've always claimed to not be too keen on children. This isn't true. I've always said I don't want them, but really I'm just scared that they wouldn't have a good life and I would fail as a mom. I don't know if I can handle that pressure and responsibility. So perhaps it's for the best that this theory not be tested. I'd hate to be right, and by then the damage would be done. I fear creating a self- fulfilling prophecy. And besides, my body couldn't carry a baby right now anyway, and that clock is ticking. Shit. Honesty moment over. MORE PICTURES OF HOW MY BABY IS BETTER THAN OTHER BABIES. (Please don't comfort me.)

Even when I know exactly what I want to order, why do I panic when it's my turn in the drive-thru and stutter like a moron? "Duh... tai chi latte..."

What if it turns out that every single person got the days mixed up and it's actually a completely different day. A global mistake. Hey, it might be the one thing that would unite us all. It would also be a universal ice-breaker. "Hey, yeah haha I thought it was Tuesday all day. You too?!" And yes, dear scholars, I know that the international time zones impact what day it is and we aren't all on the same day so namaste.

I have a theory that the creator of SpongeBob SquarePants suffered a psychotic breakdown around 2004 and has been using the show as a cry for help ever since.

Who's idea was it to make ice-skates for toddlers? And why? Think of the time it took to make those. And the money that goes in to the manufacturing. And for what? For some young, stressed out couple to force their kid's little feet into them and hold their hands and slowly drag them around while the kid screams and cries and they all fall and the other skaters have to dodge them. No one involved has a good time. No one. I mean, do they expect some 3 year old Tonya Harding to emerge? Sure, some kids are dream- destroyers, but come on now. I don't actually believe that Tonya had full knowledge of Nancy's attack. But I do think Courtney was involved in Kurt's killing. I like her music, but I like Kurt's better. I wonder if they ever took their daughter ice-skating.

I believe some kinds of dinosaurs are still alive. We assumed they all died off, but what about the water- dwellers? There are parts of the ocean so deep that they remain unexplored, completely off limits to us. There could absolutely be dinosaurs down there.

What would happen if every single capable person on the planet jumped at the exact same time? Other than a lot of planning and probably 1,000,000,000 failed attempts because some guy in Boston is drunk and his counting was off? Probably nothing. But maybe more of that global unity I mentioned previously?

What if someone successfully made a time machine and went back to December of 1999 and somehow made the whole Y2K scare a reality? Wouldn't that destroy his time machine? Then he'd be stuck there. Would we send him as our national hero? Or would we all go back somehow? Think of the things we could do if we just reset back to 2000 and started over! It'd be the land of milk and honey, and overalls and skorts, and SpongeBob pre-breakdown.

Just some thoughts.