My boy

      Apparently today is National Dog Day. It's not that I don't care, or am uninvested in such matters (Side note: The latter isn't entirely true. There are so many National ______ Days that I don't bother keeping up). But I'll be honest. For me, every day is National Dog Day. How could it not be, with a dog like Charley?
       There's never been a dog as loyal, protective, comforting, or charismatic as Charley. While I read on the back patio, he bears the heat to sit with me and keep me company. When I leave for work, he escorts me to the door and watches while I drive away. When it's time for bed, there he is, lying in the doorway to my room. He senses my feelings. When I'm having a rough night, he sits by me on the floor, his paw on my leg. When the anxiety is strong, he comes from another room and presses himself to me, literally offering support when I feel like I can't even stand.
       He wears his heart on his sleeve (Side note: not an actual sleeve. I idolized Elle Woods as much as the next gal, but not enough to dress my dog). You can read this dog's mind, I swear. His nature is serious, alert, assertive. But he has fun, too. This dog loves walks. He hears the jingle of the leash from the other side of the house. He gets mega hyped up, to the point of skidding on the tile and crashing into *insert object that probably shouldn't be crashed into here*. (Side note: Now is as good a time as any to mention he weighs 100lbs).
      Is he perfect? No.  God help me if this dog gets out accidentally and I'm sent out on a 3 hour trek to retrieve him while also racing to save the lives of the unassuming ducks at the neighborhood pond. God help the neighbors when he barks at the invisible Pegasus in the sky or whatever it is at 7am and has to make sure the rest of the world is aware. God help visitors when he takes it upon himself to perform thorough physical examinations at the door.
      I truly believe that animals and humans are meant to connect. Charley serves as a reminder to live with purpose, whatever that may be. He's a reminder of what matters and what doesn't. He inspires joy and vigor, love and courage. To know him is to adore him. Is he perfect? No. But neither am I (I've given my stance on perfection and its relativity). But Charley is the perfect dog for me. And while he has no certification, he's a support dog if there ever was one.

Oh yeah, the other dog, Sam, is...well...Sam <3

War Zone

*This piece was inspired by my friend Jordan, who suggested I write a post regarding the daily thoughts of someone with an eating disorder.*

Even dreaming, the thoughts are there. Do dream calories count? Don't be stupid. I'm not stupid, I'm just scared. Okay wake up. Ignore the pang, it's not there. Such a pretty morning! I hear the woodpeckers. They're getting their breakfast. None for me, never for me, not yet, eventually? It's wrong it's wrong everything's wrong, how could it be remedied?

So tired, but slept alright, practically all through the night. But it was weak, I feel weak, but time to get up on my feet. Whoa head rush, too fast too fast! Luckily, the spell won't last. Wrist is here, rib is there, hipbone here, spinal there. But wait, did I feel it right, touch it enough, did it change in the night? Better double check triple check woodpecker PECK PECK PECK I get it! You like your food damn now I'm in a mood. Already it's been a long day, it's going yet! Bet woodpeckers don't think this way.

Got to get dressed. God help me. Everything is alright, it's okay Leah. Something simple and unassuming. This or that? This or that? This and this? That not that! Why does it matter, no one cares. But I do, and I wonder why. This looks wrong, I look wrong. I can't go out in this. Layer up, it's a cold one! At least pretend it is. Hide hide stay inside. It's not even nine o'clock. Can't eat till after noon.

There goes my phone. Great, a distraction! Someone wants to talk to me oh wait nope junk call, yes I'm satisfied with my bank goodbye. Hey, there it goes again. This time it's a friend! "It'd be great to see you too. Meet for lunch? That'd be awesome, see ya then!" Click. Oh shit. What have I done? Have I set myself up? No it's going to be fun. We're going to have fun, dammit!  I need coffee to get through this.

Alright, so meeting X at X location at X time XXX. Gives me time to plan. Google menu, nutrition facts. Practice ordering on the spot "Oh this looks good. I guess I'll go with that..." Why am I sitting while I'm planning? Sitting is bad, I don't get to sit. Up up up. Oh what, you're tired? More coffee coffee! Walk around, get blood flowing. Shut up and let me be, please!

Out of the house, I need fresh air. Gorgeous day, sunny or not. I'll drive around some, library, window shop. Drive by my favorite spot in town. Too bad it takes so much energy to hike. I like it, I miss it. Tried it last week, barely made it. Blame it on the Arkansas heat. I'm not weak. Not weak. Not weak. God I feel sick, nauseous, light in the head. Always comes out of nowhere. Back to bed? No! What, and accomplish nothing? Useless useless. Come now, you're fine! Live your life, it's alright! Relax, please just try. It doesn't have to be like this.

A snack, okay, no harm in that. Take a bite, just one bite. Not lunch time not lunch time! Out out spit it out! Gurgle gurgle. Try again. Nope won't work. Body betrays itself. Who's really in control?

Meeting with Friend! Yay this'll be great. Problem? Psh nah not here. It's alllllll gooooood ohhhhhhh  it smells amazing in here. Look at it all. It's perfect. People are smiling, food is sizzling, Friend is waving, and me? I'm dizzy. Room is spinning. It's all too much to bear. Get it together, Leah, come on! It's just food, just life, now get over there.

Do they know? My friends, I mean. Do they know what this kind of thing does to me? No reason they would, no reason they should. It's all on me. All on me. They can't even tell, they have no idea. All on me. All on me. But it's really not me, but a separate voice, one that is so loud I'm left with ears ringing, deaf.

Jump ahead, food is here. Let Friend take first bite. Don't dive in. Be cool. "Oh yeah, it's good!" Best romaine I've ever had. The guy to my left got some cheesy bread thing. The girl to my right, pasta with an extra side of Oh-my-god-whatever-it-is-it-looks-amazing. Must be nice, to be so free. Will that feeling ever come to me? Life is meant to be enjoyed, I preach, yet never practice this very thing. Holding judgment for no one else. They deserve freedom, joy. Live a little. Hypocrite. Hippo. No, no! Stop. It's more than that. Not my weight, the carbs, the fat. It's more than that...

Singing? Someone's birthday, a party! They're bringing out a cake. That's sweet. It looks delicious, chocolatey. I haven't had a birthday cake in years. Ohhhhh poor me. Shut up, Leah, and sing.

Time to part ways, dear Friend. Hug, kiss, till we meet again! Get in the car. Why dammit why? Why do I feel I want to cry? Nothing's wrong, Leah you're fine. Anyway, too fatigued to cry. Crying is work. Emotions are energy. None to spare, not here.

Touch stomach, feel sides. Are they the same? Hands still fit around thigh. It's okay, you're okay. I hate feeling full, the food in my stomach. Don't get sick. You're already sick. Don't make it worse. Take care, be gentle with yourself. You won't pull over, don't pull over. The water towers. Count the towers. Push away the guilt, ignore it's power. It's not the food, you know that.

Speaking of power, time for work. How will I make it through the first hour? I'm tired, I'm groggy, my mind was once clear but now it's cloudy. It's weighed down so much, perhaps if I were lighter the fog would lift. Leah, you know better than that. And yet...

I've become a prisoner, and the prison is me. After all this, it's still a mystery. It's more than the food, more than my body, more than poor image, "society." It's not to be skinny, not pride nor vanity. It's a product of searching for identity. It's a way to be weightless, or to try at least, to make the mental baggage more of an ease. Makes no sense but it really does. Yet the lighter I get, the heavier I become. I've shut myself up, but not for good. Luckily, I refuse to swallow the key.